an open letter to my popsicle.

dear dadsy-

thank you for wanting a daughter. i think that having a girl, changes a family. 

thank you for raising me to always keep an open mind and embrace diversity. thank you for teaching me about kindness and respect. 

thank you for helping me see that life is a series of choices, and that there is always another option if something doesn't work out.  

thank you for having dinner with me during tax season and telling me i had to have a plan for college. thank you for saying you didn't care what it was (even though you did), as long as it was well thought out.

thank you for assuring me that the plan could always change. 

thank you for caring appropriately when you thought i was making a mistake. 

thank you for letting me make so many mistakes, and picking up the pieces when things fell apart. that must have been so hard for you.

thank you for driving all my furniture to san francisco after college so i didn't have to keep sleeping on that air mattress. 

thank you for taking me camping (even though i hated it) and instilling within me a love for the environment that i hope to pass on to your grandchildren. 

thank you for being a little bit of a hippie. 

thank you for your long legs and athleticism. 

thank you for ensuring i can always come home to california. thank you for making california my home. 

today i cried when i saw a billboard for avocados, so. 

thanks for that.

thank you for telling me that if i want to go to business school, i should. thank you for telling me you think i can do it. 

thank you for supporting my career. thank you for being a little bit of a feminist, for me.

thank you for making it clear god sent me to you and mom. i think we were just right for each other. 

xoxo

em + andrew + me. at it again. salt lake.

so, my besties were in town last weekend! i love when emily and andrew come to visit. in the last few years, we've managed to see each other a whole lot. which is amazing.

as a quick catch up, em, andrew and i go way back to the byu-i days. not a lot of shining moments there in rexburg, but definitely a lot of growth happening.

i didn't blog about it, but em and andrew also came to SF for new years and we saw The Book of Mormon, which is amazingly hilarious and wonderful. but anyway, back to this weekend.

it was general conference weekend, which is generally one of my favorite times of year. there is something magical about the entire church coming together to hear the prophet and general authorities speak.

emily and i had planned to come out here together before i took my job out here, so i guess that's more proof that you never know where your life is going to take you {not that we need a lot more examples..} but anyway.

we had such a blast! we got tickets to the saturday afternoon session and headed to temple square in our sunday best to watch it all go down live.

the best thing about us is that we have fun doing nothing. emily and i can literally just sit around and watch tv and its the best. i'm so blessed to have friends that have known me through so many phases of life.

and love me anyway.

xoxo

so, i'm back. and wow, am i ever up a creek

i think i've mentioned before that i cry a lot. this is nothing new to those who know and love me, but i guess sometimes when we are first getting to know each other, it might be a little weird.

well, i've been crying a lot lately. not because i am unhappy or because things aren't going well, but i miss san francisco. sometimes i miss it so much i can barely breathe. i think about the bay bridge during the day and can't help but choke up. it's awful.

i used to feel that way about france. i mean, i still do. when i first got back to chico, i sat in class and just ached with sadness about how much i missed provence. i've never been one for adjustments. they are basically the worst.

i listen to mat kearney a lot at work, and in his song sooner or later, he says, "sooner or later, i swear, we're gonna make it, we're gonna make it," and i like to think that's true. i hope its true. it better be true.

i've always basically done whatever i want. it's actually one of my favorite things about myself. i never let anyone else call the shots when it comes to my own life, because if things crash and burn, then i have no one to blame but myself. it's been a pretty good system up until now. each and every direction my life has taken me has been totally mine to own. i'm really proud of the choices i've made.

however, it's true that sometimes i don't think things through. this is one of those times. i thought i was being fearless, but i was really just being reckless. do we ever outgrow that? will there ever be a time when i truly weigh the pros and cons of something and ultimately decide it will cause more harm than good. and even if it will do more harm, will i still skip it?

honestly, probably not. because let's not forget, bad decisions make great stories.

xoxo

his littlest highness

you knew this was coming: a post on his royal highness, the baby of cambridge.

what a cutie! not to mention his sweet and wonderful parents, the duke and dutchess. how adorable was kate with her perfect blue polka dot dress?!

here's the thing. i've said it before and i'll say it again: i love will and kate. i adore this duo for so many reasons, but mostly because they are delightfully down to earth and seem to be so absolutely in love.

i of course watched the live feed as the couple came out of the hospital, with the little guy all wrapped up and cuddled in kate's arms. i possibly died a little inside when will scooped him up to buckle him in the car seat and drive them home.

no chauffeur, no limo, not even a parent to drive them home. the proud prince and princess climbed into their car like any new, young couple coming home from the hospital. kate sat in the back with the lil' guy, no doubt being unable to take her eyes off of him for a hot second.

notably, both will and kate looked very tired. especially kate. she seemed a little exhausted and a bit swollen, which as always makes her so real. one of my very favorite things about kate is that she seems so approachable. like at any given moment, you could be like, 'hey girl, can i borrow your lipgloss?' and she'd be all, "k."

as we know, i've been following will and kate since their days at st. andrews. never have i been so impressed with a couple who is constantly in the spotlight. kate is the ultimate role model as someone who keeps her cool, is sweet but strong and looks absolutely incredible in anything with a polka dot.

congrats to the loveliest couple!

xoxo

on the things we love.

i've never been one to shy away from love.

in fact, some would say i love too easily. with reckless abandon. (YOLO and all)

you know what? maybe i do. when I was living in europe, i used to fall in love with every new city we visited. as we walked across bridges and through winding alleys and by boutique coffee shops, i would always exclaim, "this is where i am going to honeymoon."

until i got off the next train.

i fell in love a hundred times that year. with experiences, places, people and things. there have been periods in my life where i've been closed off to such deep and meaningful feelings for one reason or another. because of hurt, loss, anger, resentment, whatever. but since i moved to san francisco, i've become the sponge i once was and my unfailing optimism has really returned once again.

being able to love is so important. even when we think we can do without, or that pushing away from the things we love will make us hurt less in the end, we only end up looking back and realizing the experiences we missed out on. even when we love and lose, we are much better off than if we'd never loved in the beginning.

because the bottom line is that love makes us feel like we're worth something. it makes us remember who we are and what we mean to the world. occasionally, there are people who come into our lives that make us feel like we are not good enough, not important or imperfect. but when people like that happen, when those people say their peace and we push them out of our lives, we lean on those we love to tell us that we'll make the right decision. we'll work it out. that we have a million right choices ahead, if we'll only seek the answers to our questions.

i've been really lucky to have loved so many people. it's a huge risk to love, but i've never known it to not be worth it.

xoxo

the one where i lost 50 lbs

this post is dedicated to one dani wolfe, who keeps my honey-roasted peanuts at her desk, shares popchips with me, and makes me love going to work.

so, i weighed myself this morning and hit a fairly important milestone in my life: i for def lost 50 pounds. as some/most/all of you know, i have been doing weight watchers for a million years. i started the program (in a serious way) the year before i left for france and lost about 35 pounds, only to gain 20 of that back during my year abroad and last year at school.

i moved to the city right after graduation and fell into a rut of just working, going home to watch TV and then going to bed. I kept gaining weight and wasn't living a healthy life at all.

in about November 2011, i went back to weight watchers with my serious hat on. it was a slow start (i think it took me six months to lose 15 pounds) but i stuck with it thinking that if i was 2 lbs lighter six months later, it was a success. losing weight so slowly was a bit frustrating, but everyone's timeline is different in life, and weight loss is no different.

the real changes started happening after i ran the lulu lemon 1/2 marathon last year. I was training for months before hand, running 8-10 miles a week and drinking tons of water. shortly after that run, i ran the nike women's 1/2 marathon in san francisco. i had officially made exercise a permanent part of my life and there was no turning back.

now, almost a year after running in vancouver, i hit the gym every day. it's a priority over most (if not all) things. i haven't touched a piece of bread in 6 months and i am buying clothes 4-5 sizes smaller than last summer.

it's pretty great. i feel awesome and have really enjoyed revamping my entire wardrobe. which we all know consists of almost exclusively of stripes.

October 2012/ June 2013

on the space we need

my popsicle (caitlin speak for father) is a very messy man. and not just like, "oh i forgot to wash that dish before i put it in the dishwasher," type. he is basically a tornado.

i LOVE it.

i'm sure my mumsy doesn't as she shares a room with him. but growing up, his side of the room, bed and nightstand were always a disaster. papers, bills, books, you name it.

i am a little bit of a mess, sometimes. i've gotten better, but if you've ever lived or traveled with me, you know i am queen of the piles and leave every drawer open as if a poltergeist has swept through the room and left the whole thing awry.

my parents also have a huge bed. not just a california king, but a western king--which is as wide as it is long. i've always wondered why my parents had such large sleeping quarters, as my mumsy is a tiny woman.

one day, i asked her.

she looked me straight in the eye and said clear as day, "your dad has always needed a lot of space."

i didn't think much of it at the time, but in last few years, i've found myself in a similar position. as an extrovert, it's hard to convince people that you need a break. tough to tell them you need an hour by yourself.

it can seem odd when you feel an overwhelming need to walk on the beach just so you can stare out at something that has no end.

i myself, need a lot of space. i haven't always been that way, but as i've gotten into my mid-20s, i've realized that I cherish alone time more than life itself. i have a job that is very stimulating socially, so generally when I walk in the door at night i need all the time in the world to decompress.

it's hard to understand this when you first meet me. by all accounts, i am an outgoing, very yellow extrovert. all of that is (mostly) true. the catch is that, when it comes right down to it, i need to be left alone.

i sleep in a big bed, and sprawl out right in the middle. every night. I have always hated the top sheet between me and my comforter because it gets all tangled and is just always in the way. my window is always open.

sometimes i wonder what this means for me in relationships. i never want to seem like i am not happy to hear from someone, but i don't need anyone checking up on me. i don't want to tell you what my plans are in case they change. i need the freedom to make my own decision every single time.

there are people i consult on decisions from time to time, but they are few and far between. two of them created me. mumsy and popsicle learned a long time ago that you can't tell me anything. all you can do is weigh in and turn me loose. i don't always make the right decision, but i have so few regrets i always feel i've lived a life so full it can seem like it's overflowing.

the best friends i have are those who enjoy and embrace my recklessness, understand my need for space and let me come to them.

xoxo