on the space we need

my popsicle (caitlin speak for father) is a very messy man. and not just like, "oh i forgot to wash that dish before i put it in the dishwasher," type. he is basically a tornado.

i LOVE it.

i'm sure my mumsy doesn't as she shares a room with him. but growing up, his side of the room, bed and nightstand were always a disaster. papers, bills, books, you name it.

i am a little bit of a mess, sometimes. i've gotten better, but if you've ever lived or traveled with me, you know i am queen of the piles and leave every drawer open as if a poltergeist has swept through the room and left the whole thing awry.

my parents also have a huge bed. not just a california king, but a western king--which is as wide as it is long. i've always wondered why my parents had such large sleeping quarters, as my mumsy is a tiny woman.

one day, i asked her.

she looked me straight in the eye and said clear as day, "your dad has always needed a lot of space."

i didn't think much of it at the time, but in last few years, i've found myself in a similar position. as an extrovert, it's hard to convince people that you need a break. tough to tell them you need an hour by yourself.

it can seem odd when you feel an overwhelming need to walk on the beach just so you can stare out at something that has no end.

i myself, need a lot of space. i haven't always been that way, but as i've gotten into my mid-20s, i've realized that I cherish alone time more than life itself. i have a job that is very stimulating socially, so generally when I walk in the door at night i need all the time in the world to decompress.

it's hard to understand this when you first meet me. by all accounts, i am an outgoing, very yellow extrovert. all of that is (mostly) true. the catch is that, when it comes right down to it, i need to be left alone.

i sleep in a big bed, and sprawl out right in the middle. every night. I have always hated the top sheet between me and my comforter because it gets all tangled and is just always in the way. my window is always open.

sometimes i wonder what this means for me in relationships. i never want to seem like i am not happy to hear from someone, but i don't need anyone checking up on me. i don't want to tell you what my plans are in case they change. i need the freedom to make my own decision every single time.

there are people i consult on decisions from time to time, but they are few and far between. two of them created me. mumsy and popsicle learned a long time ago that you can't tell me anything. all you can do is weigh in and turn me loose. i don't always make the right decision, but i have so few regrets i always feel i've lived a life so full it can seem like it's overflowing.

the best friends i have are those who enjoy and embrace my recklessness, understand my need for space and let me come to them.

xoxo