the one where i lost 50 lbs

this post is dedicated to one dani wolfe, who keeps my honey-roasted peanuts at her desk, shares popchips with me, and makes me love going to work.

so, i weighed myself this morning and hit a fairly important milestone in my life: i for def lost 50 pounds. as some/most/all of you know, i have been doing weight watchers for a million years. i started the program (in a serious way) the year before i left for france and lost about 35 pounds, only to gain 20 of that back during my year abroad and last year at school.

i moved to the city right after graduation and fell into a rut of just working, going home to watch TV and then going to bed. I kept gaining weight and wasn't living a healthy life at all.

in about November 2011, i went back to weight watchers with my serious hat on. it was a slow start (i think it took me six months to lose 15 pounds) but i stuck with it thinking that if i was 2 lbs lighter six months later, it was a success. losing weight so slowly was a bit frustrating, but everyone's timeline is different in life, and weight loss is no different.

the real changes started happening after i ran the lulu lemon 1/2 marathon last year. I was training for months before hand, running 8-10 miles a week and drinking tons of water. shortly after that run, i ran the nike women's 1/2 marathon in san francisco. i had officially made exercise a permanent part of my life and there was no turning back.

now, almost a year after running in vancouver, i hit the gym every day. it's a priority over most (if not all) things. i haven't touched a piece of bread in 6 months and i am buying clothes 4-5 sizes smaller than last summer.

it's pretty great. i feel awesome and have really enjoyed revamping my entire wardrobe. which we all know consists of almost exclusively of stripes.

October 2012/ June 2013

on the space we need

my popsicle (caitlin speak for father) is a very messy man. and not just like, "oh i forgot to wash that dish before i put it in the dishwasher," type. he is basically a tornado.

i LOVE it.

i'm sure my mumsy doesn't as she shares a room with him. but growing up, his side of the room, bed and nightstand were always a disaster. papers, bills, books, you name it.

i am a little bit of a mess, sometimes. i've gotten better, but if you've ever lived or traveled with me, you know i am queen of the piles and leave every drawer open as if a poltergeist has swept through the room and left the whole thing awry.

my parents also have a huge bed. not just a california king, but a western king--which is as wide as it is long. i've always wondered why my parents had such large sleeping quarters, as my mumsy is a tiny woman.

one day, i asked her.

she looked me straight in the eye and said clear as day, "your dad has always needed a lot of space."

i didn't think much of it at the time, but in last few years, i've found myself in a similar position. as an extrovert, it's hard to convince people that you need a break. tough to tell them you need an hour by yourself.

it can seem odd when you feel an overwhelming need to walk on the beach just so you can stare out at something that has no end.

i myself, need a lot of space. i haven't always been that way, but as i've gotten into my mid-20s, i've realized that I cherish alone time more than life itself. i have a job that is very stimulating socially, so generally when I walk in the door at night i need all the time in the world to decompress.

it's hard to understand this when you first meet me. by all accounts, i am an outgoing, very yellow extrovert. all of that is (mostly) true. the catch is that, when it comes right down to it, i need to be left alone.

i sleep in a big bed, and sprawl out right in the middle. every night. I have always hated the top sheet between me and my comforter because it gets all tangled and is just always in the way. my window is always open.

sometimes i wonder what this means for me in relationships. i never want to seem like i am not happy to hear from someone, but i don't need anyone checking up on me. i don't want to tell you what my plans are in case they change. i need the freedom to make my own decision every single time.

there are people i consult on decisions from time to time, but they are few and far between. two of them created me. mumsy and popsicle learned a long time ago that you can't tell me anything. all you can do is weigh in and turn me loose. i don't always make the right decision, but i have so few regrets i always feel i've lived a life so full it can seem like it's overflowing.

the best friends i have are those who enjoy and embrace my recklessness, understand my need for space and let me come to them.

xoxo

Birthdays & Brunches

So, my birthday was last weekend. Most of you who know anything about me know I absolutely, positively LOVE birthdays.

Any excuse to throw a party, am I right?!

Well, this year's birthday will go down in the history books as one of my most favorite of celebrations.

I had a fairly quiet weekend planned. My best friend Emily was set to come up from Monterey, and I had a few things with friends on the books. A night out on the town, a birthday brunch, and a Sunday night soiree were all on the agenda for the weekend. Plus, it was Stake Conference.

WELL, I came home Friday afternoon, braced for a quiet evening with my besties, and none other than Andrew Harvey, my most favorite Canadian came knocking at my door to surprise me for the big day! He and Em had been planning the coo for weeks and I nearly fainted when he appeared at my house in the woods.

What a WONDERFUL present! If we'll recall, Andrew is my pal from BYU-I that I run the Lulu Lemon Half Marathon with every year. He is totally hilarious, incredibly kind and adoringly perceptive. I love him more than life.

So, we kicked off birthday weekend with a small group and headed to Tacko in the Marina, followed by a showing of The Great Gatsby. I am obsessed with both, as I love a nautical-themed Mexican restaurant and any all things related to the 20s, Zelda Fitzgerald and Leonardo DiCaprio. We traipsed up and down Chestnut Street until late into the night, only to come home and enjoy some cupcakes and champers.

Saturday morning dawned bright and early, as we made our way to lower Pac Heights for an official birthday brunch with the roomies + Em, Andrew and honorary Presidio girl Steph. We, as so many San Franciscans do, enjoyed an incredible brunch as Sweet Maple, filled with exhilarating conversation and the best bacon west of the Mississippi.

Brunch was followed by a stroll down Fillmore and an afternoon of chatting and catching up. It has been almost a year since Em, Andrew and I have all been in the same room together, so we had a lot to cover.

Sift (off) Fillmore. Amazing.

In the early evening, we journeyed across the Golden Gate to Marin, where we shopped away the evening and worked up an appetite before heading to my favorite seaside joint, Guyamas, in Tiburon to dine on the water and watch the ferry head into the city.

On the way back, I got a call from two of my favorite people with some of the most exciting news of the summer! My best friend Justin proposed to his girlfriend and they are getting married in September. I've been friends with these crazy kids since the beginning and I am absolutely so thrilled for their fall nuptials--I already have my dress picked out. Duh!

I die. Congrats J + L! 

On Sunday morning, a hole was punched in the time-space continuum as Andrew and Steven finally met! As you may or may not know, Steven has been my best friend for many, many years and Andrew is like his twinner! Not only are these two of the boys I love the most, but they have the same birthday and rival each other for the tallest men in my life. It was so awesome for them to finally be in the same room.

9th birthday together!

After we finished up a lengthy brunch at Stacks, we barreled back into the city just in time to see the remnants of one of the most famous races in SF, Bay to Breakers. We hung out in Alamo Square people watching, chatting and enjoying the sun.

Chaos.

Tired a little sunburnt, we made our way back to my apartment to prepare for the evening we had planned with my wonderful roomies! Carlee and Carrie donned their domestic goddess aprons and prepared some of the most amazing southern desserts ever for an evening of fun with the peeps in the ward to honor Carrie's big move to the Presidio and my 26th.

This birthday was probably one of my best, rivaled only by the one I spent gallivanting around Paris as I prepared to head home from studying abroad. A huge shout out and thank you to those who came for all the fun and made it such a phenomenal weekend. I am so blessed to have such incredible besties. I love you so much.

xoxo

things i love: my ward

i feel like my posts have been a bit intense lately. i've been making my way through a few things that i am sure will make me a stronger, more confident and compassionate young lady, but that have been trying to my heart, mind and soul.

that said, i was just reflecting on how much i love my ward here in the city. i've said it before and i'll say it again, my ward is amazing! i started going to the sf young single adult ward when i moved into the city in sept  2011 and have been in love ever since.

as most/all/some of you know i wasn't the most avid church goer when i lived in chico, but i went back when i moved down here and it was probably the best decision i've ever made. there was no better ward for me to be a part of. the thing i love most about the singletons here in sf is that there is such a sense of love, acceptance and inclusion.

but it's more than just the ward as a whole. it's the friends i've made that really make it special.

for the first time in my life i have single, straight, mormon male friends that i love more than life. as we know, i've had guy friends over the years that were at least a few of those things, but never all of them at once. i've been incredibly blessed over the years to have wonderful gay friends that i wouldn't trade for anything, but it's been so wonderful to have some straighties in the mix! you know who you are.

when i was going to byui i had some of the worst roommates, ever. it was horrible. except for a few, you ladies know who you are. but it put a bad taste in my mouth re: being friends with the sisters in the church.

however, these days i am friends with the best of the best. almost all of the women i consider to be a best friend (which is not a person it's a tier, as we all know) are those whom i attend my regular sunday meetings with. those whom i run with on wednesdays, brunch with on saturdays, spin with on tuesdays and text all hours of the night and days of the week.

i love my ward. period. it's made up of some of the most incredible people i've ever known. their testimonies of the gospel strengthen me, their senses of humor make me laugh out loud and their compassion amazes me every day.

cheers to the sf ysa.

xoxo

Weekend in Chico

In the rare case that you have been ignoring instagram completely, you probably know I've been in Chico all weekend!

I love being in Chico. Especially this time of year.

The weather is perfect, the students are out in full swing and all kinds of memories always come flooding back as I traipse the streets of this small town I love.

As most/all/some of you know, I spent three of the most wonderful years of my life loving this town. I learned some of my most valuable lessons there (mostly outside the classroom) and made some of the most incredible friends.

One such amazing gal pal is Sarah Best. You've likely heard me talk about her as she is one of my most favorite friends from up north. Well, good news, she got engaged! In a similar fantasic fashion, she asked me to be a bridesmaid!

I love weddings. I love love. But that's another post.

To celebrate her engagement, I decided to head to Chico for a weekend of wedding planning and catching up--it had been too long!

So, Friday morning I jumped in car and crossed the bay bridge to make my way north. I arrived in Chico in just under four hours and met mumsy and grand mumsy for lunch at our favorite dining establishment, one Sierra Nevada Brewery.

Grand mumsy was in town visiting from Colorado Springs, so it was just such luck I happened to be coming up!

Lovely Hansrote ladies!

After lunch, we sauntered downtown to hit a few of our faves, like Tom Foolery, Made in Chico and Betty's on Broadway. We enjoyed the warm sun of the valley and chatted, as the gallerinas so often do!

After our wonderful afternoon, I got an incredible massage and ran to campus to meet one of my study abroad pals, Kirby, and we hit up the Naked Lounge for some delicious iced tea and a catch up session. She has been working as a student advisor in the Study Abroad Office and LOVES it. 

Duh! 

Okay so I don't have an actual picture of just me and Kirbs, but here she is at orientation a few years ago when we worked at the office together

After I left downtown, I met up with Sarah and we hit up one of my two favorite Mexican places in Chico, Casa Ramos. All I can say is: obsessed.

Two hours and a frozen yogurt later, we were at Sarah's apartment laid out on the couch watching Bridesmaids to prepare for the day ahead of us--picking out the bridesmaid dresses!

Saturday morning dawned early and after grabbing a Diet Coke, we were at David's Bridal for our 10 a.m. appointment. All my favorites were there! Meghan came up from Fairfield, and the lovely and pregnant Stephanie came down from Magalia. I also finally got to meet the fabeled Stacey (Sarah's friend from elementary school) and Sarah's financee's sister, Sara.

I'll save you the gory details, but we ended up deciding on a dress that Sarah had originally picked out for the maids of honor only. It looked great on all of us (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, much?). Plus, it will make for easy altering when I get sleeves added underneath. Easy, peasy!

For some historical reference on these lovely ladies:

Steph's bachelorette party in 2010: final fling before the ring

Sarah, Meg and I in Tahoe the same summer

 And the beautiful bridesmaids now!

Planning & parties

Anyway, I love these gals more than life and am so glad we decided on a beautiful dress and were able to knock that out of the way. Love the color. Love the design.

After the fitting, we went to one of my favorite lunch spots in Chico, T Bar. Again: obsessed.

But the day wasn't even CLOSE to over. We still had our murder mystery dinner to attend at the brewery, and we were totally in for a treat! The food was amazing, the entertainment was fabulous, and it was an awesome evening. Plus we like, totally figured out who did it and Steph won tickets to another show!

Murdered by the Mob

Babes

My fantastic Chico weekend was topped off Sunday morning with breakfast at Mom's and a stroll through Bidwell Park. I can't imagine a better way to finish off my perfect weekend. 

Beautiful day at One Mile

The thing I love about being in Chico is that it helps me realize that going back to where you've been helps you better understand where you're going.

I am so excited to continue the planning, and of course for the big day: October 4, 2014!

xoxo

*A huge thank you to Sarah and Nader (her finacee! Eeek!) for letting me lounge on their couch all weekend and watch endless amounts of  "Say Yes to the Dress." And for putting up with me in general.

desire is not enough

I am a total night owl.

When I was just a little gal, my mom used to call  me little miss party girl, because I loved to go to bed late and wake up well after the sun had risen. I totally get that from my Dad. I grew up with him watching TV quietly in the living room until after midnight and leaving for work around 8:30 a.m.

As we well know, the world loves the early bird. Which is so dumb. I don't even like worms, you know?

Anyway, this post is not about how I love to stay up late.

It's about desire.

I want a lot of things. I've always wanted a lot of things. Did you read or watch The Berenstain Bears growing up? I hope so, because they taught me A LOT about life.

 I will never forget Mumsy reading "The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Fun," to me time and time again when the child version of my now extrovert self was over-stimulated to the point of a good solid meltdown.

Even the most social of us all need a little quiet time, you know what I'm saying?

Anyway, in one book, Sister Bear finds herself having to choose between being girly and liking dolls and playing on the baseball team with Brother Bear. She sings herself a little song, and it's called, "I want it all."

I want it all. Yes every bit.

Every single bit. Of it.

Hmmmm. Could the Berenstain Bears have singlehandedly created a generation of Millenials who simply think because they want it, they can have it? And not just have it, but have it ALL?

Probably not. But it does bring me again back to the point of this post. Desire, and getting what we want.

I think it's hard as a twenty-something to come to the conclusion that sometimes, even if you work hard, make the best choices you can and be the best version of yourself, you still come up a little short. You can do absolutely everything "right" (which I put in quotes due to its subjective nature, in this case) and still miss out on something--or so it would seem.

How does that happen? Why does that happen? Shouldn't it be enough to just want something, ask for it nicely, and get it?

That's like, how it works, right?

I was recently reading one of my favorite conference talks by President Uchtdorf (swoon) entitled, "Your Happily Ever After." Any general authority who kicks off a conference talk with a story about Disney princesses is okay in my book, am I right? Anyway.

The talk is basically about the fact that yes, things worked out for Cinderella, Snow White and Belle, but not until the end. Homegirls had to deal with lost slippers, moody dwarves and literal beasts before their stories were finished. Until they got their happily ever after. He say this:

"Isn't that what we all desire; to be the heros and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and in the end, to live happily ever after?...But such a blessing does not come without a price. It is not given simply because you desire it. It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift."

And may I add to that, "what you must become in order to be worthy and ready for such a gift."

So you see, it's not just about desire. It's about wants and needs colliding with personal worthiness, readiness and the greater plan for you and your eternal family.

We also cannot get what we want right away, because we might not appreciate it. Dieter also says this about my beloved princesses:

"Sandwiched between "once upon a time" and "happily ever after," they all had to experience great adversity. Why must we all experience sadness and tragedy? Why could we not simply live in bliss and peace, each day filled with with wonder, joy and love?"

He goes on to answer:

"In stories, as is life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. {favorite part, PAY ATTENTION!} Adversity helps us develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy."

So it's true, you can't always get what you want.

But you will always eventually, get what you need.

xoxo

on the things we wish we didn't do

ask for forgiveness, not permission.

this has long been my mantra in life.

 i've always been the kind of girl who unabashedly does whatever she wants. when i was little, i used to insist that i dress myself, and then would come out of my room and look up at mumsy and ask if i had everything on correctly. she would laugh and either tell me yes or no.

i didn't want any help. and i still don't.

i don't take advice well. and if you tell me what to do, i will do the opposite just to prove that i can. it's like a thing with me.

however.

the thing about doing whatever you what is that it has consequences. even if you think you are ready for them, you often aren't.

sometimes you think you have to do something. you think if you don't, the "what ifs" will eat you alive. you'll think that looking back you'll feel like, if i had only done this, things would have been different.

but what if nothing would have changed? if someone told you beforehand that your actions wouldn't change anything, would you still do them? would you just take their word for it?

i so rarely regret doing what i want. i want to look back on my life and say, "i always did what my heart told me to. i seized every moment and i have no regrets. i took every risk. i jumped on every plane. i replied to every email. i commented on every instagram. i loved everyone i could. i did it."

occasionally, i do do something i regret. occasionally i say things i wish i could take back. not because they were untrue. not because i didn't mean them. not because i said them without thinking.

mostly because i was woefully unprepared for the consequences of those words coming out of my mouth. remember how people warn you of those and you boldly tell them you would happily trade that outcome for your current predicament?

#whoops.

xoxo